I Hate Valentines Day

And I have a reason why...

This journal is going to be full of grammar errors and spelling mistakes...and angst, one because I'm kind of mad...or rather sad right now and two because I'm writing on the weirdest keyboard ever.
So, why do I hate valentines day? Because in this 14th of February it'll make three years that my father died. And also because I've never spent a single happy valentines day.

My life has been a mess ever since I was born, my mom had and still has drinking problems; we were always short on money and now even more; my mom and dad had fights all the time and sometimes my mom would even hit him; specials days were never special because there was always something; my grandmother is beyond annoying and now she even likes and enjoys to make fun of me; it was always hard to make friends; I was made fun of at school; my grandfather committed suicide; my father got very sick and then died, not because of his sickness but because of the hospital, story that I rather not explain. This and that and a lot more.
I'm not making myself look like a victim, I'm just telling you a little about myself, because I fight everyday to achieve my dreams, to strive, to be better, to be good, I try but I also fail a lot of times. I dislike people who spend their life victimizing themselves when they could spend that time trying to get their lives back on tracks; some people just can't because they have real bad problems and lives that make mine look like a fairy tale, but most of the time they just like other people to feel pity for them; and I'm not saying that's wrong even if I disagree, I'm just saying that they could use that time to do something better. All this to explain that even if my life is shit some people just don't get it, they don't care if sometimes I'm feeling down and sad and just feel like going into a hole and cry, and the worse is that I never tell them, I always pretend things are ok. I'm like my father, when things are bad I keep it all in and never let anyone see my tears,because I was raised by a family that believes that tears are signs of weakness, even tough both my father and I always believed that wasn't true, we were raised that way. Nowadays I have awesome people by my side, they really are all I have, but I can't spend time with them, my family won't let me, I have "responsibilities"; I just never knew responsibilities didn't allow you to be happy, I never knew.
I'm happy, I am, but I'm also quite sad. Some people call me super girl because I have this habit of hiding my feelings and placing them in a box, a little like Pandora.
I wish my father was still alive because he was really all I had, I could tell him everything and relly on his wise words, he had the ability to calm me down. You can say I was a daddy's girl, but not in a way that I took advantage of him, in a way that he was the person I loved the most in this world. As I grew up he was my father and my mother, he took care of me when I was sick and teach me new and interesting things like art and photography. When my mom was acting all problematic he would take me and my dog into some garden and would stay there just having a good time until it was dinner time.
Now all I have are responsibilities and obligations, my mom can't save money, she's addicted to facebook and spends her life there, the computer and the lights are always on so our energy bills are off the roof. She wants to buy a new computer to play on facebook when hers works perfectly, better than mine actually, and she wants to buy that pc with money we don't even have. We struggle so hard that sometimes there isn't food on the table, but she just won't stop smoking as much as she does.
In order to pursue my dreams and have enough money to live I'll have to work once I turn 16, less than two months from now, I'll have to pay for my future studies and current living expenses, because my mom "can't live without smokes or boose". I made sacrifices when my father died, she made them as well, but although she can't afford to loose her job, she still plays around on facebook during working hours.

I'm sorry to let all this out, I'm sorry if you hate me, I'm sorry if I make mistakes...it's just that I'm really messed up right now, and I try, I really do. My life isn't really that bad, it's what you read; yeah it could be better, but I'm glad it's not worse.
This was supposed to be a journal about how I hate valentines day but ended up being something of a self-portrait. I'm very sorry for that, it's just that I had to put this out of my freaking mind.
And yeah, I'm an awful person, a forgetful girl that sometimes doesn't even remember about her own birthday, an idiot and a stupid one too, I lack talent for the things I love the most and I lack motivation for everything, sometimes I'm even insensitive and most of the time quite boring and annoying...oh and slow...very slow. But hell, I admit my mistakes.
If you read all of this, you are my personal hero.